Ninjas de Whatsapp: aprende a usar el cacharrito

Bip… bip… bip… (ahora lo pongo en silencio)… prrrrrrrr!!!, prrrrrrr!!!!. ¿Sabes ya lo qué es esto?. Esto es estar sentado al lado de alguien que tiene las notificaciones de Whatsapp habilitadas.

Ahora bien, la gran pregunta es: ¿esta persona se puede concentrar? Aunque tengo mis dudas al respecto conozco gente que se ha convertido en un maestro Zen de la concentración y ha dejado de escuchar el Whatsapp. Ahora bien, estos maestros lo que todavía no saben es que el resto seguimos siendo mortales y los ruidos nos distraen… e incluso nos molestan.

Perfiles de usuario de Whatsapp

El que no llama ni a tiros

Da igual lo que haya pasado, que sea tu amigo del alma o un compañero de trabajo. Da igual. Este sujeto tiene alergia a las llamadas y todo lo comunica mediante WhatsApp. Que lo ha dejado con su novia: «Tío, no sabes lo que me ha pasado, estoy super jodido. Lo acabo de dejar con Fulanita». Y tú le contestas, «¿Te llamo?». A lo que responde: «No, déjalo, estoy fatal». Pero por muchos intentos que hagas por cambiar la conversación a una vía más normal esta persona querrá contarte todo por WhatsApp y con todos los detalles.

El graciosillo

Pero casi peor es el típico amigo que todos tenemos que no deja de enviar chorradas por Whatsapp a todas horas. Yo no digo que no tengan gracia las chorradas ni mucho menos pero siempre me planteo la misma pregunta: ¿pero éste nunca trabaja?. Normalmente coincide con la persona que en grupo se comporta de manera muy independiente. Siempre mirando su móvil y de vez en cuando riéndose sólo.

El jajaja

Estoy convencido de que esta persona tiene una tecla específica en su teléfono para contestar a todo. JAJAJA. Que se ha muerto mi abuela. JAJAJAJA. Que la selección de fútbol ha vuelto a perder. JAJAJA. El aporte a la conversación es nulo. No es nada malo, simplemente innecesario.

El conversador

Este sujeto es peligrosísimo. Sus conversaciones siempre empiezan con «Hola, ¿qué tal?». Y tú contestas a esto: «Pues bien, intentando trabajar un poco»… Pero el sujeto, que es muy peligros, no entiende la indirecta y sigue: «¿Mucho curro o qué?». Y continúas: «Pues sí, bastante liado». Y esta conversación puede ser infinita como no le pares los pies. Si es amigo, mejor llámale. Si no, tendrás que dejar la conversación en el aire y aguantar… no te veas obligado a contestar. Lo más normal es que esta persona esté esperando a que le des conversación tú y otras 40 personas.

Este sujeto es altamente peligroso… bajo ningún concepto le sigas la corriente porque estarás tirando las horas por la basura y lo más probable es que su conversación nunca llegue a ningún punto.

Una confesión

Yo era varios perfiles a la vez hasta que un día caí en la cuenta del gasto de tiempo que conllevaba estar usando el WhatsApp constantemente. Me levantaba y reenviaba varios mensajes. Después seguía haciendo lo mismo en el autobús mientras iba de camino a la universidad. En clase empezaba a preguntar a varios de mis amigos «Hola, ¿qué tal?» y así sucesivamente iba cayendo en todos los tópicos. Es más llegué a estar usando el WhatsApp mientras comía con mi familia. Tal era mi adicción que dejaba de quedar con gente para ver el WhatsApp.

Durante este tiempo tuve muchísimos malentendidos por WhatsApp. Pensaba que la gente no me quería porque no contestaba al instante. Que eran unos maleducados… y un día me levanté y me di cuenta del ridículo que estaba haciendo…

Aprende a ser un Ninja de WhatsApp

¿Quieres saber como me convertí en un Ninja de WhatsApp? Muy un camino duro en el que sufrí pero finalmente me convertí en un Ninja de WhatsApp.

Las normas que seguí fueron:

  • Quitar las notificaciones acústicas y de vibración. De esta manera los WhatsApps llegan igual pero no tienes una distracción constantemente.
  • Salí de varios grupos en los que solo se mandaban toterías. Siempre se repetían las mismas bromas en todos y normalmente yo los alimentaba.
  • Me obligué a mi mismo a no mirar el WhatsApp en la cama: ni al despertarme ni al acostarme.
  • Fijé en mi horario varios momentos para contestar WhatsApps: al ir a la universidad, al volver de ella, después de cenar… pero no eran mucho más de 5 o 6 al día.
  • Me obligué a contestar WhatsApps en modo «batch». Es decir, en tandas. No de uno en uno y cada vez que llegaba un mensaje.
  • A las personas que me consumían el tiempo tardaba más en contestarles o dejaba los mensajes sin leer hasta encontrar un buen momento.
  • Me propuse llamar si tenía que contar algo importante a alguien o si quería saber cómo le iba la vida. De esta manera la conversación se vuelve más amistosa. Incluso puede que más rápida.
  • Por último, me propuse no enviar más de dos Memes o chorradas al día a 2 de mis grupos de amigos.

Como ves, no son técnicas muy complicadas. Simplemente exigen esfuerzo y fuerza de voluntad.

Ahora, todo el mundo sabe ya que si quieren decirme algo importante es mejor que me llamen porque sino es posible que pasen horas sin leer el WhatsApp y que su mensaje es probable que no llegue a tiempo.

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